I wish my days weren’t so long.
This is how my day was yesterday
9-4: I was at work dealing with students all day
4-5: meeting and briefing with my mentee
5-6: meeting and briefing with my other mentee
6-7: go to the atm to deposit money for rent and work on resume for my internship
7-9:30: access social ecology program
9:30-10: walk home because I won’t be going to the gym
10-12:30- try to get some readings done for my classes.
Finally go to sleep at 1:30
And this is my day today
7-8: wake up and get ready for school.
9-11: be in lecture listening about our corrections system
11-12: counselors meeting
12-2: lecture about American government
2-4: buy the remaining snacks for my program
4-5: maybe eat something (hopefully)
4-6: social ecology staff meeting
6-7: put on my workshop on identity for access
7-10: lecture for three hours. Not the business.
10-10:30- go home
Yeah…. That’s why I’m so tired. It sucks
I wish my schedule wasn’t so demanding :(
I have no idea how I do this day after day
People who want to talk to you find a way, even if it’s via lame means like a direct message tweet. I know it’s harsh to say, and hard to hear, but if he isn’t following up it’s because he doesn’t want to follow up. He said he’d call. He hasn’t called. Barring personal tragedy, he doesn’t want to call.
“And then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can’t ever be fixed, and this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older as you see the people in your life break one by one. You wonder when your turn is going to be, or if it’s already happened.”—Douglas Coupland (via mermaidsongs)
That was more than a year ago. We’ve been doing this dance for a long time now. A REALLY LONG TIME. Too long
I guess it was time for it to come to an end.
But it doesn’t mean you still don’t come to my mind.
I was so messed up. He messed me up bad….
But that doesn’t excuse what you’ve done
I think everything happens for a reason and you’ve served your purpose in my life…
I’ll think about you though. Always have. Always will.
I guess an infatuation like that doesn’t go away.
I hope she makes you better. And I hope you treat her well. I know you guys are friends. And she can give you things I couldn’t. I’m glad you started this relationship. At least your working on it. I just wish you would have told me instead of trying to hide it from me. Still visiting me after work. Still wanting to see me.
I don’t think you love her all that much. But you will someday.
I hope to get over you one day Juan. I do.
I wish you all the happiness in the world. Treat her right. She deserves that much. She’s been hurt too.
I feel like I do not blog enough about how GREAT my life is. It truly is
- I have a wondeful office job where I get paid well, and I can browse the net and write my marine friends letters from the office
- I have two very best friends. Well they are more like family. Liz and Racquel. They have my back till death do us part (:! They are my partners in crime. And they do CRAZY things with me. Seriously. These two are my soulmates. Not everyone is that lucky to have such amazing people in their family
- My relationship with my mother. I adore my mommy. She means the world to me
- My baby. He’s turning 9 this Saturday. I might cry :’). He is such a sweety. And he wanted his older sister (me) to bake him a cake instead of buy him one. I love the kid.
- My apartment. Seriously. My princess room is my escape. I get to have my own room. With a HUGE bed. And a HUGE closet. And I have really nice things. Its perfect <3
- My mentorship positions. I love my Mentee’s. I really do. They make my life so much more rewarding. They look up to me, and really like me :)! I feel special and I hope that they remember me sometime in the future.
- My WONDERFUL friends. Who call and leave me lovely voicemails. Who write to me even when they are halfway across the world. Who come visit me in my apartment. Who tell me that they love me! <3 <3 <3 I am seriously blessed to be surrounded by such wonderful people.
- The networks I’ve made :). I have met a lot of professors and faculty that will help me out in the future
- Keeping my life on track. Thank god I was able to stay focused. I am proud to say that I will be a 21 year old college Graduate. I will be the first one in my family; And I CANNOT WAIT to go to law school. Im super stoked.
-I am also grateful that I’ve had a chance to travel :)! Not a lot of people can say that they’ve been to half of the places that I have. <3
- I am thankful for my car peter. And my frog pillowpet :). Both are necessary for daily life :D
-Im glad that I have an amazing support system. Absolutely AMAZING <3
-Most of all, I am thankful that I am learning to live my life. My happiness depends on me :) and no one else. I am learning to be thankful for the little things. Because life is truly amazing. Mine is. And I have to take time to stop and appreciate it :)<3
Did you hear that? Visiting hours are over. Your membership to my mind and body has been revoked. Now go home with your tail between your legs because you don’t get to love me anymore. In fact, you lost that right some time ago. I used to be open 24/7 like some trashy diner or a pharmacy, but that was before everything bad that ever happened and now I’m just closed up for good. Just another thing that’s boarded you up along some disgusting highway. Your name is scrawled over it like graffiti.
Remember when I let you touch me? Remember when you owned stock in my dick? At a certain point, it felt like my body was more yours than it was even mine. You could do anything you wanted to me. Isn’t that an amazing feeling? Knowing that someone trusts you so completely you have free rein over them? When you have this power, you’re not supposed to abuse it. You’re supposed to always have their best interests at heart and protect your investment. You shouldn’t trade your stock! Hold on it, watch it grow in value.
Right. Why doesn’t it ever work out this way? Why do the people who are supposed to protect you often end up leaving you for dead? The Great Depression. The stock market’s terrible right now because of you. People are losing their homes because of your wandering eye.
There was a time when I accepted everything you said as truth. No questions asked. Why would I? Had you ever given me reason to doubt you? Your presence was always met with vulnerability and openness. I had no control over it. Whenever you would appear, I’d just open up for you. (Wait, ew.) Do you even know how special that is? Why would you ever screw up such a good gig?
You used to have all of me and now you have nothing. Not a damn thing. Not even a pinky toe. You could touch my neck/ my butt/ my ear/ my bellybutton whenever you wanted. You could’ve cried to me in bed and I would’ve been like, “OMG BEB! What’s wrong? Tell me more!” You could’ve gotten me to move somewhere like Montana with six roommates and I would’ve been like, “Um, okay…” Isn’t that so crazy? Everything to nothing in a single moment. All-acesss pass to blacklisted. From unguarded intimacy to being a stranger.
The worst part is that you’re surprised. “I don’t even get a pinky toe? After all we’ve been through together?” Um, no. And the fact that you’re surprised, the fact that you think everything somehow could be okay, makes me more unrelenting in my stance against you, against us. The only power you’ve left with me is the power to reject you. And I’m sure as hell not going to let that one go to waste.
“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”—Neil Gaiman
I almost crashed today. Unfortunately people in front of me and behind me in the freeway were not as lucky as me.
My breaks were smoking. I went from 75 mph to 0 in a few seconds.
I have not been THAT scared in so long. I was shaking from the fear. I was less than an inch away from hitting the car in front of me. Its only by god’s grace that I got out of that without crashing. The car in front of me knew he would not stop in time and swerved out of the way…. and hit another car. It was ugly. I was literally in the middle of a wreckage. And I did not know why I didnt hit the car in front of me.
As I looked at the crashed cars around me, I couldnt figure out why I escaped this AGAIN!
God is clearly speaking to me. It was 2 years ago that he did the same thing to grab my attention.
I am listening god. And I thank you for saving me.
Most of the things you read are not about who you think they are. I PROMISE I do not want him.
I dont want to waste anymore of anyones time on this issue.
I wish you two the best. Really. I know it may sound hipocritical but I think you can make him way happier than I EVER could. Seriously. You are exactly what he was looking for.
And although he was the villain in my story, I know hes not an overall villain. And I do wish him happiness. Why do you think I took myself out of the equation. I removed myself so he could make it work with you. He has a wandering eye and I didnt want to be a distraction. If you dont believe me, look back at a post of him text. I thought I was doing you a favor by ignoring him
He loves you. He was just trying to sabotage things like he always does.
So I honestly want nothing more than to close this chapter in my book. I have way to much going on to even bother with this.
And I don’t want you to waste any more of your time writing hateful things. You can if you want, but it does not reflect well on your character and overall well being. But I’m not here to tell you what to do. I’m sorry there has been confusion over who I am actually referring to.. But its not him. He is not the one I wanted. If I wanted him, I would have taken him back a long time ago. But I don’t want him. I haven’t wanted him for years. Believe me when I say that you are a much better fit for him. I was always too ambitious, too serious, too focused to be as attentive as I needed to be. That why I let him go. I cant be anyone’s babysitter. Not with the type of life I am chasing after.
But I want you to not worry about me. Or even care what I have to say. Im sorry for what has been said in the past… I can admit to some things. I can admit that I was mad at first. Because I made him who he is. I helped shape his character for sooo long, a process which was inevitable with the amount of time we spent together. And I was upset that you get to reap the benefits of my hard work…. But that is no longer the case. I do not feel that way because you also have to deal with some of his undesirable traits (which unfortunately will never change)
You can think whatever you want of me. I doesnt really matter to me. But you shouldnt be thinking about me at all. You should be too busy being happy and keeping him.
So I apologize, and I cannot stress enough about how much you DONT have to worry about me…..
Be happy. You both deserve each other and are lucky to have found each other. And I mean that from the bottom of my heart :).